Staying After Your Husband Cheated: Should You? If So, How?

I recently heard from a wife who was struggling greatly with the decision of whether to stay or go after learning about her husband's month long cheating with a mutual friend of theirs. She never saw this coming and it had shaken her to the core. She didn't want to allow this horrible action by her husband to derail her entire life, but she wondered if it was just silly to hope this wasn't going to happen. She felt like she had been thrust into a horrible situation over which she had no control.

She told me, in part: "I'm so angry with my husband for doing this to us. Part of me wants to leave him and never come back. And the other part of me worries that I might come to regret that decision later when I'm alone and questioning whether I could or should have tried to save the marriage. I just don't know if I should stay or if I should go. What do you think?"

I understand these feelings and questions as I had them myself. But, the decision whether to stay or go is a very individual one. There are so many unique factors that go into this decision, which is certainly one that I can't make for someone else. However, there are many things that many wives will consider when deciding whether they should stay after a husband's affair. I will discuss them in the following article.

Deciding Whether To Stay Or Go After A Husband's Cheating Is Usually Not A Decision That Is Made Quickly Or Taken Lightly: I completely understand that dealing with the aftermath or a spouse's affair is so painful. Its very understandable (and tempting) to want a very quick resolution. And, it's sometimes easy to make an impulsive decision because emotions and pain just takes over.

But I have to tell you that sometimes your feelings change throughout the process. That's not to say that you'll ever be thrilled at your husband's actions. But as time passes, as you obtain more information, and as things calm down, your feelings and perceptions reflect this as well. That's why I often tell wives in this situation to move quite slowly, especially in terms of life altering decisions like whether to stay in or leave your marriage. My rule of thumb has often been if it's something that I might not be able to take back and is something that might alter the course of my life, then it's probably something that I want to decide upon after taking a sufficient amount of time to consider all of the options and information available to me.

Staying In The Marriage Or Letting It Go Often Depends Upon The Cheating Husband's Actions And His Ability To Show His Remorse And His Honest Attempts At Rehabilitation: If I had to give one reason that most wives tell me that they left the marriage after a husband's affair, it would be that the wife just didn't feel like the husband was truly sorry or really remorseful. Therefore, the wives worried that their husband was going to cheat again sometime in the future.

Many husbands fall into the trap of getting defensive because they want to downplay their actions so that they can shorten the consequences of them. They figure if they can get you to stop thinking about the affair sooner rather than later, this might spare you (and them) some pain. There are times when you will need to flat out tell them that this isn't the way that it works and that their lack of remorse is a major factor in your fury at them. This will often bring about some positive change.

Because honestly, it's the husbands who are truly sorry, who take full responsibility for the affair, and who come up with a workable plan that are usually able to convince their wives to stay. If your husband doesn't fall into this category but you wish he did, consider telling him what you need and see if he's willing to comply. Sometimes, husbands really do want to do the right thing, but they just need for this to be spelled out for them.

A Wife Is Usually More Likely To Stay (And Less Likely To Leave) If Her Husband Has A Good Track Record In The Marriage Before The Cheating: Typically once things calm down a bit, a wife will start to place her focus in other places besides the affair. This is usually when she asks herself if he was good husband who was honest with her before the affair. If you are the husband, then obviously, you need for the circumstances to be on your side. Because much of the time, the husband being a loving, honorable, and good spouse before the affair really does count for something. Likewise, a husband who has a history of cheating and deception is less likely to convince his wife to stay, unless he has a remarkable plan to convince his wife that real change and rehabilitation can finally take place.

So, Should I Stay Or Should I Go After The Cheating? This really is a personal decision. There is no right or wrong answer. The real solution is only what is right for you. Other people's opinions or feelings really should not factor into the equation. If you still don't know that answer, it likely means that you just need more time to process this or you have more to consider. There is no need to rush or pressure yourself with a decision like this one, especially since none of this is your fault. Don't' allow for your husband to pressure you either. Take all of the time you need to come up with the decision that is right for you.

I know that deciding whether you should stay or go is an extremely difficult decision. Ultimately, I eventually decided to stay. And that was the right choice for me, but this is very individual. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

About the Author

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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