My First Love- My First Lessons

As a young female, at the age of 19 is when I began my first transformations. I was getting over the high school déjà vu, trying to find out what specific aspects of family, friends, and self-growth I felt was most important in my life to focus on for the next few years.

What started it off was pushing myself to get into better physical shape and really take care of my health…physical empowerment I found leads to mental empowerment and happiness. There really is nothing better than peace of mind…in my case, peace of mind started with endurance running by the beach daily. It was a good atmosphere for me to really get my thoughts together.

 Another realization was that I was going to have to forgive myself for my mistakes and realize that those mistakes were lessons learned. Those lessons were going to be key for the rest of my life! Growing up in one of the most beautiful, pristine areas in the world, I knew I was lucky but I also knew I needed more. I needed new people, new ideas, and a new environment. I wanted to shake off all the unnecessary from this first part of my life and grow into a new era.

So I moved to the Sierra Nevada’s and began attending a small local community college in a very small rural town surrounded by beautiful mountains, large forests, and plentiful in lakes. My life off the bat seemed more relaxed and my mind was opening up to new people and new lifestyles. I found myself surrounded by the most motivated students who were all engaged in outdoor recreation and equine studies while also completing their general education classes.

I met my first boyfriend very shortly after moving to this new town. Though he was five years older than me, we had instant chemistry and I found myself in awe of him for his accomplishments. He had already graduated from a well-known university in California, spent that last few years of his life working hard as a wildfire forestry technician and was now working for a private forester. He was most everything a girl could ask for… We moved in together within a month of dating and lived a “honeymoon” lifestyle most of the year and a half we were together. But halfway through our relationship, we found that our faults contradicted one anothers lifestyle.
He did not believe in monogamy and I had jealousy issues even to the smallest inconvenience. We found ourselves fighting somewhat often, but we still loved each and never went to sleep angry (this, I found, was what kept us together a bit longer than necessary). I was constantly snooping through his phone and emails which most of the time is what triggered our fights. I found his text messages to numerous women in which some were ex-girlfriends that he would visit on his “weekend business trips”. I almost left him but my talk of leaving is what made him finally commit. It was then that we realized that we truly did love each other at that moment, and wanted to really make it work.

Yet, after months of trustworthiness built back on his part, I still found myself snooping even when I hadn’t found anything in the longest time. I think that people tend to forget that when you chose to forgive, you chose to maybe not forget, but at least keep the past the past and live in the present. It was hard for me to let the past be the past though. Growing up, I had an absent father and a step-father whose infidelity ultimately led to the destruction of my family. That infidelity that I witnessed from my step-father is what affected me through my relationship when I didn’t even know it. And ultimately my issues that were born from my parents’ relationship were what ruined my first love.

My ex-boyfriend and I called it off on New Year’s Eve at midnight. Definitely not the most romantic way to kick off the new year but we knew that starting the new year without each other was a fresh start for the both of us. The first few months were emotionally hard. I found myself somewhat “hiding” from being in public and spending much less time with my friends. Initially I began binging on alcohol frequently but soon found that that only made it worse.

The season was beginning to change from winter to spring and anyone who has lived in the Sierra’s knows how relieving that is. The snow begins to melt away, it becomes a little warmer outside everyday, and soon you find yourself happily in the sunshine once again. At this point, I got it in my head that I would have to turn my drinking habits in for some new ones. I began going to the gym on a daily basis shedding the extra thirty pounds I had gained in my previously ended relationship. I was biking to school everyday and really making myself a part of the school by joining ASB and working as an intern for an English teacher.

I began dating again, but kept it very casual. I learned that I did not want to put the label of “boyfriend” on anyone that I did not take the time to truly get to know. And also being two years older, I definitely did not want that “boyfriend” label on anyone I couldn’t picture myself marrying. I had also finally realized that as far as my ex, even though there was more good than bad, the bad outweighed the good by far.

My present life: I am more than happy with my new self in this last year of being single. I find that the single life is refreshing for where I am at in life right now. I have realized that even as far as dating, I cannot let a man consume my mind and life. I am focusing on my hard-working, loving family and my wonderful friends who have been there for me through the good times and bad: both have really helped me keep my sanity. Last but not least, I am focusing on myself. Because in order to love others, you must love yourself first.